the lost chapters
Remember playing "army" when you were a kid?
This is more fun, and may not require knee pads
Maybe a better analogy would be The Outer Limits. Your resume is going to descend on planet Earth like thousands of shiny spaceships bearing the benevolent message, "We serve man."
Like space itself, the Internet is mostly a vast, empty vacuum. When you do find something you want to look at, it's full of hype. Modern Internet sites try to hijack your home page, or install spyware on your computer by asking if you want their silly clock on your taskbar. There are millions of websites with no visible means of support except for putting their hands in your pockets.
Job sites are slightly different: they try to pay their bills by putting their hands in employers' pockets. That doesn't stop them from wasting a lot of your time with banner ads and useless come-ons. You should ignore virtually everything you see on a website. Use it when you must and how you must, and get the hell out of there with all of your fingers and toes.
Your next job will probably come from an Internet job site. Some day, it will be the only place you'll find anything. We'll just have to make the best of it.
Job Site Services
Most job sites offer a variety of specialized services to help you find your ideal job. Ever seen the National Geographic program where those huge crocodiles sit in the river with their jaws wide open, teeth glaring, and swallow wildebeests whole as they struggle to get across the raging current? Keep that image in mind so you won't be surprised at the blatant hustle these guys lay on you when you arrive at most job sites. They know you want something, and that many of you will pay big bucks to get it. Some of you will pay big bucks just for the chance to get it.
Professional Resume Services
Resume writing has come a long way. Several professional organizations now set standards for resume writing, including certifications for professional writers. Unfortunately, the more formal a process becomes, the less flexible it gets. Think of Strictly Ballroom, the hilarious Australian movie where the all-powerful standards board tries to destroy the creativity of an aspiring genius. In that movie, the stuffy, superior regulators eventually succumb to the irresistible force of innovation and joy. This rarely happens in real life. Resume writing won't be any different.
If you have a lot of cash, consider a resume service that comes bundled start-to-finish with a money-back guarantee. They create your resumes and cover letters, perform a complete career survey, and submit you to the most promising employers. Expect to pay at least $1,500 for a thorough and aggressive campaign. They'll keep you from making sophomoric mistakes. And they've got a lot to lose if they can't market you. Before spending any money, survey the resume services. Speak directly with the people who say they can get you a job. Like every profession, the best work is being done by 10% of the players.
Career Coaches
This new specialty is also growing as an honorable profession. They go further than resume writers by adding a complete personal evaluation to decide what in the heck you really should be doing with your life. When all is said and done, this may set you back $5,000. At best, a career coach might help you get on track. At worst, they can simply play the amicable bartender, listening to your masochistic horse-shit and pouring you another drink.
On-Line Networking
For a small fee, most job sites will give you access to their job-seeker's forum. You can read what other people are doing to find a job, and share your own war stories. Maybe I'm too cynical: these always seem like "lonely heart's clubs": belonging gives you a way of explaining why you aren't employed. See for yourself.
Major Job Sites
Let's find you someplace to submit your spanking new plain-text resume. The major job sites cover most major recruiters because they list a lot of positions, and want to manage them centrally. Add these to your Internet favorites so you don't lose them:
Have a look at these to see which ones you like. Do some free searches for jobs. We'll talk about how to create accounts and agents in a moment.
Specialized Career Sites
You also need some specialized sites that deal with your profession exclusively. Go to your favorite Internet search engine and type:
+"administrative assistant" careers jobs
You may have to play around bit, trying "admin assistant" or "executive assistant," etc. Eventually, you'll get a shit-load of sites. Go to each of them and see if anything looks legit. Avoid sites that:
- Blind you with flashing banners or irritate you with pop-up windows.
- Offer mostly ads, with very little relevant content or job listings.
- Ask to "Make this site your new home page."
- Show mostly older content, with few recent updates.
- Dump you onto a main page that looks like an application for site membership when it is in fact an application for a special service like resume writing. Monster.com recently adopted this reprehensible practice.
- Fail to promptly answer your email inquiries.
- Fail to provide a toll-free customer service phone number, or answer their phone by pushing you down the plank into Voice Mail Hell.
The Local Newspaper
Don't forget to scan the local paper for jobs. In most large cities, the newspaper provides a job-related website. Use it the same way you would a career-natured site.
Local jobs tend to be for smaller companies. You'll get actual employers looking for staff versus recruiters looking for job candidates. The good news is: when you deal with the actual boss, you can sell yourself almost immediately, and you may get hired in days. The bad news is: when you deal with the actual boss, your bullshit turns fluorescent. Most of the tips and tricks in this book are to get you around recruiters. They won't snowball a smart business owner, even if they only command a lonely convenience store.
Is There Any Privacy on the Internet?
No.
You can read a site's "privacy statement" to verify that they promise not to give your email to outside parties. They should also agree not to send you email without your permission. Of course, hackers can still sneak onto a privacy-protected website and extract email addresses from the site's temporary cache. The more you surf the net, the more junk mail you are likely to get.
Create a free email account for your job search. This should not be the same one you use for replying to ads. Choose a name like This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it to remind yourself that this email is reserved for job searches. If you start getting too much junk mail, kill the account and create a new one. Do not use this email on your resume. You always want to know who is sending what to you and why. That's how you stay in charge of the train-wreck that is your job search.
Create a User Account
Every job site asks that you register to "take full advantage" of their "powerful search features." They really just want to hustle you. Even if they can't send you email, they can sell your profile to advertisers who want to know what sort of people are using the site. I love to fuck with these guys.
When you get to the registration page for new customers, just lie. I know, I know. You've been lying all day. You lied on your resume. Maybe you're tired of lying. But this is down-and-dirty, fuck-em-for-wasting-my-time lying. This feels really good. If you're 25 years old, tell them you're 110. If they want your address, give them the address of Shea Stadium. If they ask what your role is, make it important. Pick everything else at random. Just make sure you don't accidentally tell the truth about anything. That wouldn't be fair.
Of course, enter your proper "job search" email address. They'll use it to verify that you are indeed Lenny Bruce of Chicago, President of IBM (International Bowel Movements).
Build Some Search Agents
The better job sites allow you to create search agents that automatically scour the listings for jobs in your field, then send them to you via email. This makes your life much easier. Creating a search agent is easy. The fields look like this:
| What You Should Enter | Comments | |
| Agent Name | Admin Assistant Jobs | Any title that you like. This will be at the top of your daily email report. |
| Job Location | Dallas, Texas | Wherever you want to look for work. You can also leave the field blank, which will return all cities and states in the USA. |
| Job Category | {select all that apply} | Most sites let you select a number of items in this list. Just hold down the CTRL key while picking items. This is also a potential trap; if you over-specify the category, you will miss jobs that are improperly categorized, listed in a "miscellaneous" area, or placed in a category you are not familiar with. |
| How Often To Send Updates? | Daily | This is always best. Keep the data fresh. |
| Position Type | {select all that apply} | If you are going to follow my advice and stay independent, choose Part-Time, Full-Time, Employee and Contract. The last of these just means that you will be treated as an independent contractor. See Declare Your Independence. |
| Search Keywords | The simplest term to describe your desired position, i.e., "admin assistant" OR "administrative assistant" | Any term that will help you find your job, including references to jobs, skills or even places. Watch out for generic terms like "office" -- most ads contain some reference of this kind, so you'll get too many responses. |
| Type of Search | Boolean | These are very powerful searches. You can use "and", "or" and "not" to create complex searches. |
| Days To Search | 1 | Since we answered "How Often To Send Updates" as daily, we only need to look back one day. This is counter- intuitive, but true (just think about it). |
| Email if No Jobs? | No | They just want an excuse to send you empty emails full of promotional crap. |
The first time you run this agent, you can manually set the "Days to Search" at about thirty days just to catch up with what has been posted there recently. Then reset it to one day only. The site will send you a daily update about the jobs that rolled in over the past twenty-four hours. You won't wait that long to reply. If you snooze, you lose.
Customize and Submit Each Job Ad Separately
Let's say you create a search agent for your Admin Assistant job. The next morning you get an email like this:
|
SPONSORED MESSAGE {Below the title, they'll try to sell you something like a resume service} 9 jobs on BigJobSite match your criteria. ============================================================================== Administrative Assistant Dallas, Texas more details ============================================================================== {other jobs follow ... } |
If you click on more details, a website will open with a lot more information:
|
Administrative Assistant Dallas, Texas ID: 12345 COMPANY: ABC Company SKILLS REQUIRED: Word, Excel, PowerPoint LOCATION: Dallas, Texas RATE: DOE AREA: 517 LENGTH: PERM TERM: FULL_TIME SUMMARY: Executive Assistant We're currently seeking an experienced administrative professional to become the Executive Assistant within the fast-paced, constantly changing environment of our Topeka, Kansas office, providing advanced secretarial and administrative support. Working with minimal supervision, you'll report to the General Manager for our Midwest territory. DUTIES & RESPONSIBILITIES
QUALIFICATIONS:
Send resumes to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it |
Look familiar? It's the ad we just practiced on! And you'll deal with it just the way we did in that example. You will customize your resume to this specific ad. Go back to Your Calling Card: The Plain Text Resume and review the steps. You'll need to do these for each resume you submit. You'll give each one of these a unique file name. In our example, we called the resume:
Executive Assistant Resume for ABC Company 00-00-0000.txt
Submitting your resume is easy:
- Open your email program such as Microsoft Outlook.
- Create a new email.
- In "Send To:", This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , just as shown in the job ad.
- For the subject, type:
Application for Executive Assistant, Job ID#12345
- Open your resume in a text editor.
- Mark the entire resume with your mouse. Sometimes you can do this by right-clicking the main screen and choosing Select All.
- Copy to the clipboard, usually with CTRL-C.
- Go to the body of the email which is empty. Right-click with your mouse. Choose Paste. The resume pops into view in the email itself.
- You only need a very brief introduction. Your current resume starts off with your name. Go to the start of this line and hit the carriage return two or three times to give you some nice, clear space.
- If the job ad has been kind enough to give you a contact name, type that name. Then add the company name and email. Finally, type a single introductory sentence:
ABC Company
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
Dear Recruiter:
Please accept this resume as proof of my interest in -- and qualifications for -– the position advertised:
- Your resume should follow after a few blank lines.
- Now let's do something that most candidates wouldn't think of: send the same resume as an attachment. Choose Insert/File. Navigate to your resume folder, select your resume and press ENTER. The file should now show up as an attachment to your email. Why do this? I can't tell you how many times I have talked to recruiters who asked me "if I attached my resume to my email." In fact, my resume had been included in the email. They just hadn't taken the time to read it! Your future career should not be decided by someone else's laziness.
Creating and submitting a customized resume can take two to three hours per resume. If you find this exhausting, be more selective in deciding which jobs to apply for. If you simply can't spend this time customizing your resume, don't submit anything. This is the age we live in.
But What About My Fancy "Word" Resume?
There are occasions when you will want to send a fancier resume. In Microsoft Word or other publishing programs, you can really make the resume sparkle. I love my Word resume. But generally, resumes sent in specialized programs are "parsed" using the same rules that apply to text resumes. Unfortunately, this does not produce predictable results. Never send a specialized resume to a cattle-call type of ad, or to any recruiter that you have not spoken to.
Send a fancy resume only when you speak directly to a recruiter. They should give you their direct email address:
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
instead of:
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
The first email goes to a person. That opens the door to an eye-catching resume.
You can also send your professional resume to a recruiter if they have already promised you a direct connection to the hiring manager. Your resume may really stand out. I have won many of my jobs by employing this very tactic.
Be careful. If in doubt, stick with the plain text resume. Or attach both versions; this shows that you have anticipated the recruiter's needs.
When to Send
Are there certain days of the week, or times of the day, when recruiters focus better on new resumes? Yes. Mondays are busy; Fridays are distracted. You don't want your resume arriving on either of these days. Send your resume between Monday and Wednesday evening. The recruiter will get it the following morning.
Special Email Handling
Some email clients allow you to mark a message "urgent." If yours does, then by all means, mark it urgent. This should not rile the recruiter, and can give emphasis to your offering. Add a follow-up flag for three business days after your submit date. This will remind you to call the recruiter and verify receipt of the resume.
What about the "Apply Online" Button?
Most job sites offer a button that asks you to create your resume online. The only time you want to do this is if they specifically insist: "Please do not send email. Apply online."
Sometimes all they do is review your education, certifications and specific skills. Then they have you paste your plain text resume into a box. Since most of your resume is bullshit, the more the employer dissects it, the more likely they will be to find flaws. It's also more "standardized," and -- let's face it -- you're not quite up to standards. The odds are that will not get hired by a site that insists that you apply online.
If you want to get sneaky (admit it!), just send your resume by email as I have shown you, but modify the first part of the email to read like this:
ABC Company
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
Dear Recruiter:
I tried using your "Apply Online" link, but it issued an error.
Please accept this resume as proof of my interest in -- and qualifications for -– the position advertised:
Final Considerations
Know Your (Bullshit) Worth
When I started my job search, I decided that my time was worth $50 an hour. Considering that I hadn't held a regular job for most of my life, and I had made up my entire history, that was pretty aggressive. I ended up taking a job for $40 an hour.
You need to develop a solid internal sense of your worth. You can search the Internet for hourly pay surveys in your desired profession. You can consult friends and associates. Without this key guide, the Internet recruiters will take advantage of you by paying you below scale.
How do they accomplish this? Look at one line in the ad in the section above:
|
RATE: DOE |
The "rate" is supposed to be what they are offering. Not exactly clear, is it? Here are a few of the common terms used to describe rates of pay:
| Bullshit Phrase or Acronym | Official Meaning | Actual Meaning |
| DOE | Depending On Experience | You don't have enough experience to care about this. |
| MKT, Market | Market Rate | The market rate is lower than you think. |
| NEG | Negotiable | As negotiable as the sunrise. |
| OPEN | Open | They mean this ironically. |
| TBD | To Be Decided | In the future, they will decide you're not worth what you think. |
| UNSPECIFIED | Unspecified | If they specify the pay, you won't apply. |
Officially, experienced workers get paid more than inexperienced ones. In practice, the recruiter wants your emotional commitment before discussing rates. The recruiter profits from the difference between their billing rate and your pay rate. The less they pay you, the more money they make. They have almost no negotiating room at the "top" end, where their boss, the employer, bitches and whines about excessive costs.
Most job books spend a lot of time explaining how to negotiate your "offer" from the employer. That was the old days. In the electronic age, your rate is set by the recruiter. The only way to change it is getting them emotionally committed to you, then issuing a little nudge. See Getting Past the Idiot Gatekeeper.
The ad contains a few other important lines:
| LENGTH: PERM |
| TERM: FULL TIME |
The first of these is the amount of time the contract will last. That is, unless they change their minds. "Perm" or "Permanent" means they intend to hire someone, well, permanently. Unless they change their minds. Otherwise they'll probably indicate three to six months. That means you're officially a short-timer. This is not always as bad as it sounds. You can still wow them and get hired permanently. Or you can hate them and walk away with a clear conscience.
The more important issue is the "Term" or "Tax Term" of your contract. This gets confusing because every recruiter uses different abbreviations:
| Code or Abbreviation | Kind of Employment |
| CON_CORP or any phrase with "CORP" |
Independent Contractor. They will require you to create a valid U.S. corporation. You will also need $1 or $2 million in general liability insurance. This is a legal, enforceable business contract -- as long as they treat you as an independent contractor. Fat chance. |
| CON_W2 or any phrase with "W2" |
Employee. You will be a regular employee with full deductions taken from your paycheck. In most states, the employer and/or recruiter can do almost anything to you, including termination, with absolutely no recourse. |
| CON_1099 or any phrase with "1099" |
Independent Contractor. You will sign a simple -- and probable illegal -- 1099 agreement. They will issue an IRS 1099 form on you at the end of the year. They should not deduct anything from your paycheck. |
| CON_IND or any phrase with "IND" |
Independent Contractors, but no specified contractual arrangement. This usually means that you will be a "1099" case (see above). |
If you really want to work as an employee, then read no further. You should insist on this status at your jobs. The rest of this section deals with how to become an independent contractor.
There are two ways to become an independent contractor:
1. The Corporate Independent Contractor
Forming your own corporation is expensive. Even if you go to a "quickie" state like Nevada or Delaware, you're looking at $1,000 for expedited service. To find out more, go to your Internet browser and search for:
+incorporation
A lot of incorporation sites are come-ons for other expensive services. The quality and speed also varies quite a lot. Either call and talk with the incorporator, or browse through news groups or user's groups to look for other leads. Other things to remember:
- Do not send money. Use a credit card. If things go wrong, you can ask your credit card company's help to demand a refund.
- Insist on an exact deadline for a complete corporation and a money-back guarantee.
- Review the incorporator's proposal. Ask -- and ask again -- if the service is 100% complete.
- Use your personal name for the corporation. Recruiters and employers will write checks out to you personally, and you may be able to sneak a few of these by the tax man. Also, if you use a fancy corporate name, you'll need to file a DBA ("doing business as") statement, which can take six weeks.
- You should tie down your insurance before you waste money on a corporation. You may not even qualify. Try your local insurance agent. Tell them that you need to incorporate for tax purposes, and ask for $2 million in general liability. The agent may ask you to prepay this policy. Brace yourself: you are probably looking at another $1000.
2. The 1099 Independent Contractor
Technically, this means "1099 Employee." Recruiters and employers use this status to avoid paying for vacations, holidays, sick pay or other benefits owed to normal employees. They know that most contract employees can't form their own corporations, so they draw up some hokey legal documents and have you sign them. Since no person or entity can make an agreement in violation of the law, nothing they have you sign can obligate you to violate the law, or allow anyone else to impugn your rights under the law.
Closing Thoughts
As an independent contractor, you do not qualify for overtime or any form of standard benefit that you associate with a workplace. You really are "on your own." But you do get some important freedoms:
- You can ask to be paid in full, without deductions.
- Once you discuss your tasks with management and receive a time budget, you can perform those tasks anywhere you wish, at any time you wish (as long as you do not miss your deadline), and even in any way you wish.
- You are obligated to report on your progress, but not chronically. That is considered a ruse to justify micro-management of your time.
- If you finish your tasks as specified but early, the employer must pay you the entire budget that was allocated for the tasks. They cannot short your pay for being too efficient.
Regrettably, most employers ignore these freedoms and simply treat you as an employee. This is extremely dangerous. If the state labor board drops by and finds that you are an independent contractor, they carry out some tests to see if you are being treated as one:
- Are you required to work certain specific hours?
- Are you required to work at a specific location?
- Are you provided with most of the tools used for your work?
- Is your time directly supervised?
This goes on to ever more intricate details of your work relationship with your employer. If the labor board finds that your employer is doing any of these things, they will probably rule that you are an employee. They would then:
- Fine the employer.
- Investigate the employer for other such offenses.
- Force the employer to go back to the start of your contract and revise your pay to reflect your true status as an employee. They would have to back-pay you for holidays, sick pay and other benefits that are normally accorded to their employees. They would also have to pay you time-and-a-half for overtime.
- Advise the IRS (or provide you the means to do so), which would eventually compel the employer to pay your taxes for you.
So what kind of an idiot would voluntarily hire an independent contractor and then treat them as an employee? About 99% of the businesses I have visited, heard of or worked for, including the massive cell phone company where I served a five-month contract.
What about the recruiters? Surely they advise their clients that independent contractors should be treated specially to avoid serious labor code violations. Nope. They go along for the ride. They make money off of their clients. They don't want to "rock the boat," and they don't want you doing it, either.
The good news is that if you are hired as an independent contractor, and are mistreated by your employer, you can show them the business end of a flaming rectal probe. Sure, they'll black-ball you. Sure, they'll never hire you again. But you'll laugh all the way to the bank.
