Getting past the idiot gatekeeper

You are so busy submitting hand-crafted resumes that time flies by. Your concentration is unbreakable. Until you get the phone call. From a recruiter. Asking about your resume. This is what you've been working for: a real "nibble." Your "bait" -- the plain-text resume -- is working. Now you need to get the "fish" to swallow it altogether.

Remember Monty Python and the Holy Grail? In this comedy classic, King Arthur and his haggard knights must cross a desolate, dilapidated bridge to find the Holy Grail. The bridge is guarded by a crusty old wizard who asks three questions. Anyone who answers the questions accurately is blithely waved across. Otherwise, the wizard dispatches them into smoky oblivion. This skit describes so much about your job hunting adventure that I absolutely refuse to disclose it here. You'll have to see it for yourself.

Your recruiter is like your real estate agent. It's his job to pretend to serve your needs. The problem is that he's doing the same job for your potential employer -- except they're paying him. Guess who wins?

You'll do all of your business with the recruiter on the telephone. They will only call you in for a personal meeting to make sure there's nothing "wrong" with you. Because they can only judge you through their auditory channel, you have to sound like someone who might amuse their deviant puppet-master enough to justify employment. Hum the right tune and they'll become a slobbery, dozing baboon.

What Will People Do With It?

That was the famous challenge issued to Alexander Graham Bell when he first suggested a device that would allow two people to talk over a wire. Similar idiotic quips have followed the creators of the cellular telephone and, of course, Internet email.

These days, "phone" means cell phone. Don't even think about beginning your job search without one. On your resume, you'll list your cell phone, not your home phone. Forget the advice you may have seen leaving recruiters "a day and evening phone number." That's like giving them a scratched-up vinyl copy of Afternoon Delight, the mind-numbing ‘70s record album that nearly put Valium out of business.

Your cell phone is your enemy and your friend. It always seems to interrupt you just after nature does. It also makes you reachable. And reachable is something you will need to be in order to get your next job. If a recruiter calls you and leaves a message, return the call immediately. If they are unavailable, keep your message polite and direct:

"Hello, Mr. Jones. This is Ken Abernathy, your candidate for admin assistant position #1456. Thank you for calling me to discuss this opportunity. My cell number is 111-1111. I look forward to speaking with you."

Don't start explaining when you can or cannot be reached. This has a way of becoming ironically limiting. Besides, the gatekeeper is not your lap dog. He's the employer's lap dog.

Make copies of the ads you have submitted and attach them to the resume you sent. Keep these with you at all times, even when you run errands. Keep your cell phone switched on whenever possible. The gatekeeper awaits.

What to Do If the Recruiter Never Calls

You may still be suffering from the impression that recruiters always call their qualified candidates, and sometimes even show up beneath their balconies to serenade them on warm summer evenings. Bzzzz! Wrong answer!

Ninety-five percent of the recruiters will never write or call you, even to reject you.

Half the recruiters are so incompetent that they will lose your resume, even if you are qualified. If the job ad says "No phone calls, please," you're stuck. But many ads don't. They may list the recruiter's name and phone number. Call them up. Ask if they received your resume. This is one case where you can be a little pushy. Just don't sound desperate.

I'm not fond of voicemail. You presume too much with voicemail: that the other party is motivated to call you back. If they could find ten cents worth of decency to call you back, they would have stayed in touch in the first place. You are not dealing with grown-ups. I only leave voicemail when I have already called once and spoken directly to a person. Then I use voicemail as a polite "breather" to let them know I am watching them, and will get hold of them again soon.

Even after you get a "nibble," and the recruiter either emails their approval, or briefly chats the job up with you, they may disappear. They may refuse your emails and phone calls. You will never know why. You can't pester a recruiter into liking you. Recruiters hate it when you cling and cloy. If you were so valuable, why would you need to beg for a job?

Wait a week after your last contact and write a friendly email like this:

Now re-insert your resume as an attachment. Do not place the resume inside the email itself; this might distract from the follow-up's "punch."

If the recruiter still doesn't respond, wait another few days and call them on the phone. If they simply lost your resume -- which happens more than you might believe possible -- show understanding and patience. Offer to resend the resume while they are on the phone. Email is quick. You now have a license to speed, so mark the email "urgent." Then review the resume -- and your extraordinary qualities -- right here and right now. Never miss the chance to make someone feel guilty about screwing something up. Even the most hardened asshole has a conscience. Make it work for you.

The recruiter may avoid your phone call, or tell you that "the position was withdrawn unexpectedly." If they don't spend a few moments with you on the phone, and don't show any interest, guess what? They aren't interested. Don't take it personally. Be gracious and adult. Then go tear up some pillows.

The Recruiter's Phone Interview

Assuming that your recruiter does follow through, they will conduct their own cursory phone interview in order to:

• Run through your skills and work history to see if they sound legitimate.
• Ask a few pointed questions to test your confidence.
• Listen for any other inconsistencies in your attitude, personality or style that would be cause for concern.
• Set your price.

Be friendly, positive and professional. Act like everything in your resume is second nature. You should have memorized this stuff by now! Be prepared for specific questions about things you have done or things you are supposed to know. If you slip up slightly, just continue in a normal tone of voice. Many interviewers don't know enough about what they are asking to know a good response from a bad one. But they are hyper-sensitive to nervous chatter. That'll get you tossed in a flash.

If you ever go to court, your attorney will advise you to "give the smallest, simplest, least complicated answer you can. Never add anything." This is good advice for a job seeker, too. If you've made up a lot of the stuff on your resume, you might think you can make it more real by explaining it. In fact, the more you talk, the more you raise subtle, contradictory issues that eventually bog you down. Truth tends to sound simple, clear and brief.

Sales is the art of getting someone to buy something from you and feel that it is a good value. You need to sell yourself as the ideal candidate for this position. Because you are on the telephone, and because of the limited nature of the recruiter's gatekeeping job, you don't want to come off as a used-car salesman trying to dump a bad car. You want to sound like this recruiter's dream candidate: qualified, self-confident, and reliable.

The Con

Have you ever bought a car? Auto salesmen are the craftiest of crooks. They get you to want something, and even invite you to tell them what you want to pay for it. Then they deftly prod you into buying it for more money than you would have originally paid.

The recruiter performs some of the same magic on you when you ask about the pay rate for a new job:

"I didn't see a firm pay rate in the listing. Can you tell me the range?"

The recruiter knows that you work for money, and that you want as much as you can get. It's his job to goad you into a lower rate than you should receive.

"The client has a limited budget. They can offer $40 an hour."

This is a big moment. If you're hungry, you may want to take that bid. If you don't, the recruiter makes a note indicating that you're "demanding," and may de-prioritize your resume. On the other hand, the recruiter also wants to test your confidence. If you cave in right away, maybe it's because you're not qualified for the job.

Let's say you have a lot of irons in the fire, and are feeling quite confident: "My minimum rate is $50 an hour."

This is where the car-lot mentality kicks into over-drive:

"Let me talk to my manager. I'll get back to you in fifteen minutes."

The recruiter will call back in fifteen minutes and say: "I talked with my manager. He said we could go to $45 an hour."

You can show that you are willing to work with the recruiter, and say "yes." If the job is drawing a lot of applicants, this is the only choice you really have. If the requirements are highly specialized, you might want to hold out for your $50. Recruiters can be macho; if you push them too hard, they shit on you. That's the sad truth of the situation.

Recruiters will say anything to represent you. That doesn't mean that they will promote you as their primary candidate.

Most phone interviews last about ten minutes. The recruiter may refer you right away. Or they may ask to see you in person.

Charming the Snake

I have survived dozens of recruiter phone interviews. Only a handful have asked to see me. Many recruiters actually work from remote sites, so they couldn't see you if they wanted to. Others are too busy. Most are just too lazy.

If your recruiter asks to see you, agree readily, and set a firm date and time. The recruiter is just going to repeat the phone interview, but in person. We're going to go into interview methods later, so I won't repeat the rules here.

You should view a personal interview as an expression of interest, not a challenge. The more you interview, the better you get. And recruiters don't give hard interviews. They're like a training bike with an extra wheel on either side to keep you from falling over. If you dress right and stay relaxed, you'll ace this, and come out smiling.

There is a catch: sometimes they will test you.

What to Do In Case of Snake Bite

You'll get this bad news along with the appointment date. "Please allow an extra half hour so we can run some standardized tests." If you say "no," you're dead. If you say "yes" -- and then test badly -- you're dead. Trust me. I got caught with my pants around my ankles by one recruiter. And no one volunteered to suck out the venom.

I think I did warn you that you should actually study and memorize some of the bullshit skills you claim to have. If not, pardon moi: you should actually study and memorize some of the bullshit skills you claim to have. Buy a book or two, grasp the concepts, study the tutorials, and try to get up to speed.

I once tried to "get up to speed" on HTML Help by reading a RoboHelp beginner's guide. When I went in to be tested, the recruiter gave me an online test for Web Help, which was quite a lot more technical. I told him that I had not really studied Web Help, but that I had used a well-known program called RoboHelp. He was not impressed. That was the same session where I flunked a Microsoft Word test. I had been using Word since it was released.

The second time I was tested, I was amazed at how easy it was. They wanted to know if I could tell the difference between "quick" and "quickly!" There was one horribly-written paragraph that I had to reorganize, but otherwise, the test was a breeze. I didn't get the job. My recruiter reported that I "hadn't fared as well on the test as other candidates." I knew this was ridiculous, but what could I do? Challenge the employer? Challenge the recruiter? Some days you eat the bear. Some days, the bear eats you. On very bad days, the bear mauls you, gets bored and leaves you for the buzzards.

The Follow-Through

You probably won't be tested. You'll charm the scales off the snake / gatekeeper / recruiter / used car salesman. The last part is easy. Unfortunately, most job seekers skip it. You need to let the recruiter know that you appreciate them submitting you for the position. And you need to stay in touch.

If you went in for a personal interview, send a hand- or type-written personal thank-you letter within twenty-four hours. Don't email it. Mail it. Yes, I mean put it in the big blue box where the person in the safari hat comes by and loads the papers into the truck and then drives off. They do have a purpose in life: to make you seem a little more genuine.

If you did not go in for an interview, send a thank-you email the same day that the recruiter announces you are in the running for the job. This is normal and acceptable.

Don't fawn over the recruiter. Thank them for submitting you. Recap your strengths. Include your cell phone number again:

If the employer likes your resume, the recruiter will call within three business days to schedule an interview. Anything longer means you've been skipped. Most recruiters won't admit this. They may tell you the position is still open. They may reassure you that they submitted you, and things look promising. It's just their way of avoiding a confrontation.

Don't blame them; they're just spineless cowards.

The Amazing Vanishing Job

Recruiters are, at best, sleazy salesmen. At worst, they're the crooked manager that bets against you and rigs the fight so they know you will lose. Sometimes you're the last to know.

Here's the scenario: you submit your resume. The recruiter likes you. They discuss your cost per hour, and there is some debate: you want more than they initially offer. Finally, they capitulate and agree to your price. They agree to submit you for the job. They tell you that you should be interviewed "very soon." A week goes by. You call and ask what happened to the interview. They tell you that the company isn't ready yet. Be patient. Another week goes by. Then an interesting thing happens: the job disappears.

There are only three possible reasons for this:

1. The recruiter never submitted you for an interview. They had a raft of cheaper candidates that they pushed first. The employer took one of them. By putting you in a holding pattern, the recruiter made certain that you would not apply for the same job through someone else. They kept you out of the running.
2. The company got pissed off at the recruiter and yanked the job. This happens more than you might think possible. Over the next few weeks, look for an ad with the same description offered by another agency, or even a direct ad placed by the employer themselves. Resubmit your resume.
3. The job was withdrawn. Amateurish companies sometimes run ads just to see what sort of fish get tangled up in the net. This should be illegal, but it's not. Yet.

The single most important protection you have against unscrupulous recruiting practices is your own curious brain. When a recruiter says they like your resume, ask them who the employer is. Tell them that you don't want to accidentally submit for the same position elsewhere. It's hard for them not to cough up the name. Once you have that, you can monitor what really happens with the job.

One final situation to consider: a recruiter promises to submit you for a job and tells you that you will be interviewed. The employer suddenly hires someone else without even looking at you:

• Call the employer directly and ask if they received your resume. Ask them why they didn't interview you.
• If the employer says they don't know who you are, or didn't know that you were available for interview, you can sue your recruiter for damages. Get an attorney.