But can you sing?
The phone rings and it’s your recruiter: Can you show up for an interview at the job site tomorrow at 2:00 p.m.? Try to say yes. The potential employer has already given you their schedule. Adapt and make the meeting. Then get the facts you’ve been craving since this whole process started: What company? Where? What is the environment like? Your recruiter will probably just tell you that they’re a great firm. You’ll get the company’s name and address, and the name of a person to meet there.
This is it: a real audition before a (sleazy Broadway producer) hiring manager. This is why you’ve spent so much time preparing. Or thinking about preparing.
Find Out Who You’re about to Meet
Armed with a company name, you can find your prospective employer on the Internet. Just type the company name and ask for their home page. If the name is generic, add the city where they are based:
+”abc company” +houston +texas +”home page”
They should have a website. If they don’t, they might be space aliens. A company’s website speaks volumes about them:
You don’t have time to buy their products or visit their summer camps. You may be down to a single day. You need to walk in that door looking like someone they want to hire, and right now.
Review Your Job Skills
These are all of the things you are supposed to know to get this job. If you fudged — and I know you did — now is a good time to review your books and online materials to remember the sorts of facts that might come up in your interview.
Unless the interviewer sits you down for a physical test, you should be able to skate by this by knowing the skill’s special terminology. Your interviewer is probably a bureaucrat from the personnel department. He’s not an expert. He probably doesn’t even know what he is asking about. He just needs to see and hear that you know what you’re talking about.
The larger part of skills is the overall mindset that encompasses the skills. Would you think to ask Dr. Kildare whether he knew the part number for the oscilloscope? Don’t worry. Take an aspirin and get some sleep.
Paint a Pretty Picture
This is when we actually use the advice of a thousand resume books. We create a gorgeous printed statement of your illustrious career and promising future.
Whatever Happened to Cover Letters?
I gave mine to the Pony Express rider.
In the electronic age, nobody has time to read everything they see. The more you give them, the faster they move through it. Email doesn’t provide room for a “cover letter.” If you wrote one, it wouldsimply appear as the body of the email, which is not what a cover letter is all about. Like it sounds, a cover letter is like the hard cover of a finely printed book: it entreats you to enter and to be impressed.It feels good in your hand. We’ve lost that in our rush to progress.
If you ever do submit a resume physically — remember the man in the safari hat that goes to the strange blue boxes with the eagles painted on them? — then by all means, pick up a good book on cover letters. Otherwise, keep it straight and simple. Less is more.
Changes to Your Plain Text Resume
This is where you can whip out your Microsoft Word resume, with subtle font changes and other eye-catching graphical elements. If you don’t have one developed, just clean up your text resume. You don’tneed anything garish — just good font selection, white space and a few well-placed lines.
Print four copies of this resume on twenty-four-pound white parchment paper. Put all four copies into clear vinyl sheets. I like the ones that are open at the top only,and are made of very heavy, absolutely crystal-clear material. The resume should only be two pages long, so put the pages back-to-back inside of the vinyl cover. This makes it easy for the interviewerto see page two by flipping the document over.
Don’t Forget Your References
Potential employers like to see professional references more than personal ones. This means that you’ll have to get with your friends and develop a believable story that turns them into “professionals.”This is not as hard as it sounds. Just make sure to use friends who are reliable, have working phone numbers and who are willing to rehearse a bit.
When I flung my first bullshit resume against the corporate wall, I didn’t have many friends. I had to rely on friends of friends. That’s desperation. Try to find people you have either worked for, orwho are believable as professionals in a field where you have pretended to work. Do not use a former employer as a professional reference. A manager might be okay. We don’t want your references to look like a bathtub full of your first cousins.
If possible, keep them in the order of employment. Add your non-employment references last. Try to show addresses if possible. I don’t recommend email addresses; that encourages the recruiter or employer to send an email inquiry, which is almost always ignored:
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Pat Candidate Professional References Helen Noteworthy Margaret Samson Jerard Huermacher |
Print four copies of these on an off-white twenty-four-pound parchment paper.
Make a Grand Entrance
In show business, the greater you are, the greater the introduction. You need a reference letter from your last employer that glows with admiration, respect and appreciation. Since you probably made up your last job, this shouldn’t be hard work. Just make sure to mention some of the stuff that you’re “famous” for — your skills and accomplishments.
This letter is supposed to be an official piece of correspondence from a former employer, so it should look like one. Go to the trouble of creating an actual piece of stationery, including a logo, business address and phone. Draw a few lines. For the font, use anything but the one you selected for your own resume. It should look like the sort of font that this particular company wouldhave used. Fonts for automotive supplies look different than those for attorneys. Print it on the sort of paper that evokes the place it is from:
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ABC Corporation We make it as easy as A-B-C 1234 Main Street, Anycity, Texas 00000 To Whom It May Concern: I hired Pat Candidate in the summer of 2001 as a simple administrative assistant. Her predecessor had left such a mess that I didn’t think I would ever recover. Pat was undaunted. In a few short weeks, she totally reorganized our filing system, set policies and procedures, and established herself as a professional that I could rely on without hesitation. I promoted Pat to Senior Executive Assistant and gave her independent charge of my entire office, including twelve staff members. I relied upon her to manage the daily flood of mail, to handle all incoming and outgoing email, and to maintain close communication with departmental managers regarding their special needs. Pat has never complained about the constant pressures of her position, nor has she flinched in the face of the most urgent deadlines imaginable. She even took charge of our monthly budgetmeetings, creating dozens of complex reports and analyses on very short notice. Whenever I traveled, my flights, hotels, and vehicles were always meticulously arranged, thanks to Pat. I trusted Pat with the keys to my company. I am proud of her, and happy to recommend her to you as a future employee. If not for financial reversals in my marketplace, I would have promoted her to executive management. Please do not hesitate to call me if you have any further questions about this extraordinary individual. Sincerely, Helen Noteworthy |
Verify that it looks distinctly different from the other documents you have just created. Print four copies.
Since you now have a page of professional references and a touching letter of referral from your imaginary supervisor, put these back-to-back inside of another vinyl cover. The interviewer will be grateful to handle two clean, simple objects rather than the box of toads that most candidates stroll in with.
Even Adults Like Show and Tell
The cherry on top of the ideal interview is just that: a little taste for them to remember you by. You could bring samples of your work, if you have any. If you apply for a sales position, you could bring suggestions on how to market and sell the company’s products. Anything to show initiative and readiness.
Don’t underestimate the value of little things. “Less is more.” This is not really an exception: you’re doing something small to give the interviewer a reason to hire you.
Review Your Job History — And Don’t Forget It
This is where the interviewer will spend a lot of their time. Even worse, they may ask you to run down “memory lane” and talk about your entire history. Considering most of it is bullshit, this could take some real creativity — and nerves of steel.
The good news is that the interviewer knows the least about previous jobs than anything else in front of him. How can he challenge you unless you contradict yourself? Don’t contradict yourself. Studythat resume. It’s supposed to be the truth.
Get Plenty of Rest
Sleep a full night before the interview. Don’t let anything prevent you from waking up fresh and ready for the performance of your lifetime. If you’re too nervous to sleep, try one of the new sleep medications that leave you non-drowsy. I guess I should have told you that earlier. Oops.
Eat the sort of breakfast or lunch that you would have before a great athletic challenge. Don’t give yourself any other tasks before the interview. Keep your notes nearby and review them regularly.Play the story through your head again and again.
When you see a great actor on the stage, you don’t see an actor. You see the person they are playing. You must be that sort of actor.
Dress the Part
Great actors often can’t grasp their characters until they put their costume and makeup on and look in the mirror. Con artists live by the same rule: dress the part. The rest is comparatively easy.
No other topic stirs so much colorful interest as how to dress for an interview. I will only say this: you have to look the part. And I don’t mean that if you apply as a computer programmer, you shouldlook like the stereotypical sloppy, myopic, attention-deficit-disorder geek that you see in cartoons. You have to look like a clean, safe, homogenized version of the part. You are an heroic character, without the suicidal angst.
If you try to dress according to a formula, you may confuse your interviewer. Some books say that men should only wear a dark blue or grey suit. One of the best interviews I ever took as a manager was with a guy who showed up in a 1940s-style suit with a bow tie. He was applying for Marketing Manager. He wasn’t dirty or unkempt. He was creative and daring. I liked him. I may not have hired him in a dull grey suit.
I think you already know how to dress for your interview.
You just need a few warning buoys to keep you off the rocks:
Your Body Never Stops Talking
While I encourage some flexibility and creativity in how you look, how you act is another matter. Your body language conveys more about you than anything you say. Most of us rely on our vision to tell us about the world around us. When we meet someone, they can strike us as friendly and positive or paranoid and unpleasant. Your interviewer only has a half-hour to meet you and figure you out. His “gut sense” comes largely out of your body language. Are you behaving like someone who is telling the truth? Do you look like an asset? Is there anything “funny” about the way you behave? Even if he can’t describe it, the interviewer won’t hire you unless he feels good about you.
Most of your body language is involuntary, so the only way to control it is through deliberate effort. Beware the body language danger zones:
| Physical Event or Feature | Key Perception Issues | Best Practices |
| The Greeting | Is your handshake firm? Are you confident? Are you nervous? | Shake the interviewer’s hand as firmly as they shake yours. Relax, smile, and give them your name. Tell them that it is a pleasure to meet them. Give them an eyebrow flash, indicating approval. |
| Distance | Do you seem to hover? Or do you stand away like a frightened child? | Don’t stand or sit too close or too far away from the interviewer. |
| Sitting Down | Do you presume? Are you disrespectful? | Either wait for the interviewer to sit down, or put your hand on a chair and ask if this is a good place to sit. Unbutton your jacket if you are wearing a suit. |
| Your Face | Are you tight and withdrawn? | Relax and speak as you would to any professional associate. |
| Your Eyes | Are you evasive? Are you obsessed? | Make regular eye contact. Keep a steady gaze upon the interviewer, especially when answering questions. Do not stare. Do not look at other parts of the interviewer’s body. |
| Your Head | Are you overly eager? Are you listening at all? | The head is larger than you think. It holds the key banners of your personality — the eyes and mouth — and yet acts like a giant billboard all by itself. Slow nodding is normal when listening to the interviewer. Other slight movements, when combined with approval, including smiling, are also normal and healthy. Do not move abruptly. Keep your chin up and alert. |
| Your Mouth | Are you normal? | Our eyes and mouths convey volumes about us. A healthy, confident, modest smile, interspersed with the shapes of normal speech, is ideal. Fidgeting, fussing, chewing and coughing are negative. Relax. It is better to do less naturally than to put on a show. |
| Your Arms | Are you defensive? | Don’t fold your arms across your body, or otherwise appear to block the interviewer. Don’t clutch objects. Keep your arms open and relaxed. |
| Your Hands | Are you nervous? | When we get into a stressful situation, our hands can become our worst enemies. They dance nervously, fidget and flit from place to place. Do not clasp your hands behind your head. Do not adjust your clothing. Do not hide your hands. Do not stroke yourself. Do not touch your lips or your nose. Keep your hands in the open, occasionally gesturing and opening them. If in doubt, mimic the interviewer. |
| Your Posture | Are you self-confident? Lazy? Indifferent? Disrespectful? | Sit straight up in your chair, but not rigidly. Do not slouch. Do not sit back. Do not cross your legs unless the interviewer does. Do not turn away from the interviewer. |
| Walking | Are you healthy and vigorous? | Maintain your posture. Walk at the same pace as the interviewer. Don’t lead the interviewer, and don’t dawdle too far behind. Don’t get distracted. |
| Breathing | Shall I call an ambulance? | This is where the yoga lessons really pay off. The more naturally you breathe, the more you will relax — and put the interviewer at ease. |
Don’ts
Meditations before the Interview
Imagine you are trying to sell a tree to a sloth. You know they need the tree. You know they’d like the tree. But they seem, well, a little non-committal. If you yell at them, they’ll hide. You have to coax them out of their slumber and get them to see this lovely tree where they will find a happy home.
Your interviewer has some of these qualities. They see so many job candidates that they become numb to the same rehearsed answers. You need to stand out. Get their interest. Make them want to hire you.How? By showing them your genuine interest and enthusiasm.The way you look at someone, the way you gesture as you talk — everything conveys an attitude towards that person. We’ve mentioned that body language is full of shallow rocks, waiting to sink your ship. But without real interest and enthusiasm, your boat has no motor, and is doomed anyway.
Most people assume that an interview is like a police interrogation. The heat lamp blazes on and somebody barks rapid-fire questions at you. Not so; the interview is an opportunity for you to listen as much as talk. You can ask questions, too — especially if they reflect an interest in the company, its goals, and how the job contributes to the big picture.
Pay attention to the interviewer and listen to everything they say. Don’t get in a rush. Never interrupt them. Drink up their sentences as if they were sips of fine wine.
Don’t get goofy. Let your enthusiasm shine through you like a bright, cheerful light that seeps through everything you say and do.
Don’t be an apologizer. If you’re so awful that you have to apologize throughout the interview, do you really think you should be hired?
If you forget everything else, or simply become confused, subtly mirror your interviewer’s posture, expressions and gestures. If they are an epileptic, disregard this advice.
Avoid the human tendency to declare everything, especially with the word “I.” Every time you use “I,” you should receive a tiny electric shock that increases with each successive offense. Every time you use the word “you,” you should feel the soothing presence of human hands caressing your every — hang on a minute! You’re in an interview! You should feel calm and centered.
The hiring manager at this company has the same agenda that the recruiter did when they chatted with you on the phone. This time, it’s serious pick the wrong person, their company will suffer, and they’ll look bad. Here’s what they want to see in you:
If you can show them these things, you can get hired.
First Impressions
Map out the interview site and know how to get there. Leave nothing to chance. Get to the neighborhood early and have a bite to eat. Then sit tight.
Five minutes before the scheduled appointment, walk in the front door. Not sooner, not later.
When you meet the receptionist (if there is one), be charming and positive. Let them know who you are and that you are there for an interview. Look at their name tag. Remember their name.
Wash your hands and dry them thoroughly. Make sure they are not cold.
Your first impression is the most powerful weapon you have to win this job. Recruiters are human beings, and human beings base half of their opinions on snap judgments, including first impressions. When the recruiter arrives, look them directly in the eyes and say:
“Hello, Mr. Smithers. I’m Pat Candidate. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Shake their hand firmly.
Thank the receptionist by name.
Walk behind the recruiter. If you go into an elevator, make small chat. Don’t make jokes. Don’t talk about the weather. Find something unusual to say, or just follow their lead.
Start your breathing pattern: slow, graceful.
It has begun.
The Interview
Job books obsess over the interview, but only by giving you examples of interview questions. Then they tell you how to answer them. Nothing could be more useless to you. I have been interviewed dozens of times, and have rarely been asked any question resembling the hundreds of “critical issues” these job books insist you must rehearse.
Interviews are highly changeable, dynamic events that sometimes even drift out of the hiring manager’s control. Your interview may contain any number of these features:
The Head Count
How many people will interview you?
| 1 | The “one on one” is the best way to interview. People are different in two’s: they behave more naturally. They are more open. If you make a mistake, it’s more likely to get past one person. |
| 2 | The “two on one” is the worst way to interview. This usually means a supervisor will lord over the proceedings. The interviewer will try to impress their boss. They’ll rakeyou across the coals. Be prepared. |
| 3+ | You are in a Scientology assessment meeting, trying to “find yourself.” Locate yourself and get the hell out of there. |
The Details Interview
Regardless of the interview style, the number of interviewers, or the time allotted, you will be grilled about your skills and experience. If your interviewer is a man, this is where you will spend two-thirds of your time.
The problem with the details interview is that it analyzes things you have published as the absolute truth. You can’t adjust them. You have to know everything as if it really happened to you. You can’t “search” for the answer to one of these questions.
The Abstract Interview
This type of interview focuses on difficult-to-answer questions that cause you to think. Because you’re sought by a recruiter for a temporary-to-permanent contract, it’s not likely that you will ever be asked questions like this. But what if you are?
| Possible Question | How to Respond |
| Why do you want to work here? | Flatter their dumb ass. |
| Why are you successful in your profession? | Flatter your dumb ass. |
| Have you done the best work you are capable of doing? | Sing “ain’t no mountain high enough.” |
| What would you like to be doing five years from now? | Telling you that you missed a spot on the floor. |
| What is your greatest weakness? | Wanting to bitch-slap people who ask me silly questions. |
| What was the last book you read, or movie you saw? How did it affect you? | Screw the Recruiter. I laughed, I cried — it became a part of me. |
| Rate yourself on a one to ten scale. | You mean inches? |
The Relationship Interview
These questions probe your ability to get along with others. If the interviewers are female, you are much more likely to run across these speed bumps.
| Possible Question | How to Respond |
| Describe a situation where you had to deal with a difficult person, and how you managed to resolve the problem. | Give them the plot to Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. |
| What do you think of your current/last boss? | A real asshole, but good taste in Internet porn. |
| Describe a situation where your work was criticized. | And they lived afterwards? |
| How do you take direction? | With a 4-10 shotgun, or forget about it. |
| Tell me about the last time you felt anger on the job. | I don’t get angry. I get even. |
| Do you function well in groups? | Sure. I can always find something for everyone else to do. |
The Brain Twister Interview
Some companies believe that they can give you a series of psychological tests to get at things you won’t tell them otherwise. This practice has fallen out of use because — guess what? — they found that most people can easily scam their way through them. If you are asked to take a psychological test in this day and age, you may reconsider the job altogether. Otherwise, take the idiot tests and keep these points firmly in mind:
Etc., etc.
The Big Question
No matter what style of interview, you will always get asked why you left your last job. If you stayed there less than three years, the question will have a snide, insinuative tone. Don’t let this get to you. The interviewer knows you have a pat answer. They just want to see if it flows across your lips with convincing sincerity, or squeals like a pair of tires that can’t make the corner.
You may realize that the interviewer has just asked you something that you have absolutely no clue about. “What do you think of XJB Factoring?” There’s only one thing you can do: Remember the idiot gatekeeper in The Holy Grail who asked, “What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?” It looked like the end for King Arthur until he asked in return, “What, an African or European swallow?” You have to answer the question with a non-idiotic question. “XJB Factoring as it relates to…” forces them to explain. If you run out of rope, just ask, “What do you mean by XJB Factoring?” This gives you points for balls, if nothing else.
You may find yourself rambling. You’ll know this because the interviewer will take on a dull stare, and besides, you’re not deaf. You can hear your own moronic diatribe. Stop! Remember the question. Was there a question? “Pardon me, I didn’t mean to get off track. Can you rephrase the question?”
A good interview should proceed from q-and-a to “The Close” (see below). But things can go wrong. You may not be as sharp as you planned. You may have given some bad answers. Your body language may give you away. You’ll know you are about to be rejected if the interviewer pauses after one of your questions and then abruptly asks you, “Do you have any questions?” or makes some other brief, closing remark. All is not lost: you can recover. You can use “your” interview as a means of impressing the real interviewer with your skills.
Most job seekers are so relieved to reach the end of their interview that their arm floats up involuntarily as if to beckon, “Whiskey, Double.”
The interview isn’t over. It just started. They have given you the chance to show that you are an intelligent, resourceful individual with a brain full of ideas and a body full of motivation. You just have to ask the right questions.
Do:
Don’t:
Wrapping Up
There are only two ways for an interview to end: negatively (see The Awkward Moment) or positively. You’ll know things are going your way if the recruiter is smiling, friendly and patient at the end of the interview. They may flatter you slightly or even touch your shoulder as you stand. They should tell you when they expect to make their hiring decision. If they don’t, ask them. Thank them for their time. Shake their hand and look them in the eye, with a confident smile. Tell them directly, “I look forward to working with you.”
Get a business card from each person who interviewed you.
As you walk out of the building onto the street, ask yourself: Did you feel like the interviewer was saying, “See you next week,” or “Die, Mothra, die”?
Finishing Touches
After the interview, your recruiter will call and ask how things went. They only do this after they get the down-and-dirty from the client. Thank the recruiter and ask them if they received any feedback. They should give you a few strokes, and tell you the positives. If there are negatives, humbly inquire about what was said. Show your concern, and offer to meet with the hiring manager again.
Regardless of the recruiter’s comments, this is your moment to show a little class. Write — or if, like mine, your handwriting makes Hitler’s seem well-adjusted — type a nice letter to each of your interviewers. Add a few reminders about your qualifications, but mostly show real appreciation for their time. Be positive:
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Harry Overton Dear Mr. Overton: Thank you allowing me to present my qualifications in our interview last Thursday. I enjoyed hearing about Overton’s extraordinary history, and am excited at the prospect of contributing to its future growth. Please let me know if I may provide further information to ensure my consideration as your next Administrative Assistant. Sincerely, Pat Candidate
|
Mail these letters within twenty-four hours of the interview. Don’t forget!
What to Expect
If the company liked you, you should be hearing from your recruiter within three business days. After five business days, you should definitely call the recruiter on the phone. The recruiter was hired so the company could interview and hire quickly. No news is bad news.
My Favorite Interview Book
The best book I have ever read on interview preparation is The Interview Rehearsal Book: 7 Steps to Job-Winning Interviews Using Acting Skills You Never Knew You Had by Deb Gottesman and Buzz Mauro, March 1999, Berkeley Books, New York, N.Y. ISBN: 0-425-16686-4.
